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Comments posted by dee_maini
On
Life in a metro…."married but we swing”
The plot seems good, but lacks details, dailogue, description, and showing. You have told the story not shown it. The information should not be spoon-fed, the reader's mind should churn it out. I can elaborate on this concept when we talk.
Deepak
On
Too hot to handle (Short Story)
It's good. I like the choice of vocabulary and the poetic soul of the piece. I would consider it more of a poem than a short-story. Apparently, the story lacks in dialogues.
Deepak
On
Inside Adhira's Mind
"This
was the moment she knew she was subconsciously preparing herself for -
ever since she had discovered the itch some craving that had herdays
melt into nights and nights light into days – with her trying to find a
way out of the maze of complicated feelings that she felt growing
stronger in the pit of her stomach – sinfully delicious but
breathtakingly dangerous."
The opening sentence can very easily win 'the biggest sentence of the century' award. I will propose your reading an editing book. I have a few on my table. If you want I can bring them along on my next visit to India. With the pretext of sharing a book, I will get to meet a beautiful girl :)
Your pic is awesome.
The highlighted part is ambiguous. Perhaps, you need to check if it's needed at all.
Deepak Maini
The opening sentence can very easily win 'the biggest sentence of the century' award. I will propose your reading an editing book. I have a few on my table. If you want I can bring them along on my next visit to India. With the pretext of sharing a book, I will get to meet a beautiful girl :)
Your pic is awesome.
The highlighted part is ambiguous. Perhaps, you need to check if it's needed at all.
Deepak Maini
On
Adventure of another kind
Long winding sentences tire the reader. There are a few grammar issues as well.
Deepak Maini
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Mother can’t be Murderer
This is very good. You can publish a book very soon. When you do, please inform me so that I can buy it. Well done.
Deepak
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